Giving you an out

May 18, 2013 · 10 comments

I phrase my question to lead you to a certain response….

Instead of “What time will I see you tonight?”

I go with

“Are you still feeling up to tonight?”

Just a slight difference.

Leading you down the path of the rejection I’m waiting for.

I get the answer I expect.

“I don’t think I’d be up there until late, maybe we’ll give it a miss this time?”

Rejection confirmed.

Ok. Panic time. Turn this around…

“I’ll come to you? I just want to see you, I don’t mind driving, even if it’s just to fall asleep next to you”

Something that you can’t really say no to.

So that I get my expected rejection.

But frantically turn it around.

Is this manipulation?

{ 10 comments }

1 Bronwyn May 18, 2013 at 8:07 pm

I see fear and honesty, not manipulation.

2 Fiona May 19, 2013 at 12:45 pm

*hugs* I think so, I’m just trying to see if any of my behaviours fall into that manipulaation. Possibly, unintentionally, when I’m in a complete panic at times, some of the “threats” could be seen as manipulative, even though most of the time I’m more voicing my fears about what I might do to myself if I’m stuck in that mood for too long.

3 Psych Babbler May 18, 2013 at 8:45 pm

It’s interesting reading this…I don’t think it’s manipulation. I actually see it as brave. I fear rejection/abandonment too…and possibly expect the worst-case scenario most of the time. But I’m too scared to put myself out there and even say that I’ll come over…because then, the possibility of that being rejected makes me feel worse. But I do phrase things like “Are you up for it” or “Are we still on for tonight/tomorrow” not just with a partner but even with friends. Because I expect them to cancel on me too most times…

4 Fiona May 19, 2013 at 12:47 pm

yeah, that setting ourselve up for the decline. :/

5 nikkiana May 18, 2013 at 9:34 pm

When I think about manipulation, I think about devious intent…. and the manipulator being very conscious about what they’re telling the person they want to manipulate.

I’m somehow doubtful that’s you.

It seems more like this is coming from an unconscious place and you’re just now realizing this is a pattern.

I could analyze further as to why you might be doing it, but that’s probably something better saved for a private conversation.

6 Fiona May 19, 2013 at 12:49 pm

I think that things can be seen as manipulative without the intent being there. Such as me panicking, cutting and sending a photo to somoene of it. That can been seen as manipulative, though to me it’s me trying to express my pain.

7 nikkiana May 19, 2013 at 1:48 pm

Hmm… That’s true. Perception counts for something, and even if you weren’t intending to act in a manipulative fashion, it could be perceived that way.

The more I ponder it, I wonder if the question “Is this manipulation?” a helpful one or if it’s just one of those questions you end up asking yourself to do mental somersaults and not really getting at the heart of the issue.

Regardless of the answer to that question, if you’re having panic attacks to the point where self-harm is a serious risk there’s a major problem there. (Duh, thank you for that stunning report Captain Obvious.) You might be being manipulative (or perceived as such) or you might just be making a really desperate attempt to ask for help that’s getting lost in translation… Either way, it doesn’t really make much of a difference.

What matters is identifying what the pattern in behavior is (which it looks like you’ve done here), breaking it apart and trying to figure out where those pieces of behavior are coming from, and then figure an action plan so you don’t continue to make the same mistakes.

You can do it, Fiona! I have faith in you!

8 Fiona May 19, 2013 at 1:54 pm

Thanks xxxx

9 Kim @ Bachelormum Style May 19, 2013 at 9:37 am

oooh, rejection, fear, desiring to be loved … why couldn’t all be so simple as ‘I like you, you like me’. You’re aware of how you are phrasing statements to set you up – perhaps you could think about it before you say anything – what desired outcome do you really want? If you really like this person and you want to see them, then phrase your questions / statements like that – it’s vulnerable I know, but it’s better than self fulfilling an outcome you don’t want. Wouldn’t it also initially give your friend mixed messages so they don’t think you really like them? Hope it works out x

10 Fiona May 19, 2013 at 12:50 pm

Yup, that is totally what I SHOULD be doing, but I’ll get ther!

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