So, my psych has started me on a DBT Diary Card (click to view) to get me tracking how I treat myself, how I feel about it, and any strategies I put in place to stop myself carrying out any urges (such as self harm, drinking etc). Interesting to sit there, only on day one, and rate from 0-5 “How strong was the urge to use, suicide, self-harm”, rating emotions such as shame and fear, and matter of fact things such as alcohol and prescription drug misuse. There’s even a place to rate how much you felt like dropping out of therapy!
I’m not yet up to knowing what the strategies to use are (aside from a little self soothing and distraction!) and won’t learn them all until I get off the waitlist for the more intense program in a few months, but I like having direction. Something concrete, so I can’t fluff about so much. Seasoned at the “oh yeah things are fine at the moment” because, honestly, when I’m in a good mood I can’t even IMAGINE what it’s like to have those negative feelings and do those things to myself.
Still working off the energy from last night’s Garbage gig. And from my afternoon therapy sessions. Struggling with some things, more practical questions of “what’s the best decision to make re x” but we’ll get there.
It was only AFTER that today that she then goes on to “so the quetiapine can cause an increase in appetite. Do you want to see a dietitian? But you know surgery can help reduce your appetite come back and I can give you a referral”
and
“so why are you on that again? because you shouldn’t be getting in under PBS unless you have Bipolar or Schitzophrenia. They audit you know”
Hmmm.
So after THAT I get my repeat contraceptive pill script (you know, after she can’t get a good blood pressure reading because I’m crying after she so tactfully suggests surgery and pops me on the scales. Yah, I know I’m overweight. And I know a lot is recent. So one step at a time. A dietitian would be a good idea, but geez. Bedside manner??)
I’m pretty sure that one of my ways of coping with change or let downs, is to not get too attached or invested in something in the first place. It doesn’t always work that way, of course, but a level of indifference can help block some short-term pain, even if you lose out on things because of it in the long run…
Or, I’ll invest in the moment. In some ways I might be actually mindful of the moment, and live more in the present than the past or future than would naturally cause the levels of anxieties I have. BUT. But, it goes with the love me or hate me, love you or hate you, be totally excited in the moment but then even forget it happened. Knowing OF something rather than truly remembering it if it was highly awesome. Or, if it was totally distressing.
I “know” that I’m happy a lot of the time. I “know” I’ll get back to that state at some point. But that knowledge doesn’t always help when I’m trapped in a hell hole of a mood that I feel is infinite at that moment.
img via FB I watch it in the kids I work with. They expect one thing to happen, but there’s a change of plans. Maybe the bus broke down, or it’s raining, they have the wrong coloured socks on, or Mum put a sandwich in their lunch box, but it’s Tuesday and they always have [...]
Jumping through the required hoops to get into the therapy program that I’m told is the best thing for me. Met with a psychologist. To make sure I was in the right place. Recounting, rehashing, but then, it’s down on paper again now. After the build up, the panic of how I was going to [...]
Trying to navigate ‘the system’. Just waiting to be shut down again. Hating that I’m needing others to help me so much, but so grateful they are. Scared I’ll let them down. It’s hard pushing to get help you need if you’re convinced that they’re just gonna say no when they find out who you [...]
Today marks fifteen years since Rish and I got together. Our 15th anniversary. We went to the park, and talked. Through a lot of things. There is some brightness in the future, even if it is so distant. A word that keeps coming up is illness. As in, that’s a part of your illness, a [...]
Up and down, sometimes huge waves that crash over me, that stop me breathing, dragging me down. Or just bopping, the occasional hit in the head with a body board gone astray, but just getting gently sunburnt. Yeah, I’m crap at metaphors :p Now what? Fiona Moore’s Fundraising Page Tweet
Transcript April 10, 2006 Dear Crystal, I’m so sorry to hear that life is getting you down at the moment. Goodness knows, it can be so tough when nothing seems to fit and little seems to be fulfilling. I’m not sure there’s any specific advice I can give that will help bring life back its [...]
For rambling posts Or no posts Or posts I put up and then delete/heavily edit Or business as usual. Who knows. I’m trying to figure out (the eternal questions) how much to trust my own judgement. And how to convince others to trust me (to an extent, at least to treat me like an adult) [...]
I’ve just spent a couple of days in psych care at the hospital. Yeah, I was a bit of a risk. Putting things in place etc. AND I GOT FOOD PHOTOS FOR YOU: Breakfast: Yeah, I ate gluten this few days. I lived. And check out all the plastic cutlery and crockery. Yep, no sharps [...]
