head stuff

Insert post here

April 14, 2014

argh

So things are going good, in that my moods are good.

The lack of employment is both good and bad though.

Good for my sanity, bad for my self esteem

Trying to keep filling the days with meaningfulness.

Helping with family mostly

Probably should get a volunteer role.

And Newstart.

But yeah.

I’m okay

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Which is why, even though I’m dealing with my owns shit, I can deal with hearing yours, empathizing or sympathising. Giving hugs or virtual ones, giving love and comfort and advice.

Right now I’m letting too much impact on me of my own shit

So I’d rather hear about yours

And help you out

Be useful

Cos if I can’t help myself, I wanna help you.

And feel potent.

(That’s the opposite of impotent, right?)

Xxxxxxxxx

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Knowing your limits

June 16, 2013 · 4 comments

Most of us are terrible at saying no. Squeezing more and more into our days, trying to, apparently, get the most / give the most out of them.

What do I expect of myself?

Do I have expectations that aren’t guided by someone else’s (actual or imagined) expectations of what Fiona does, who she is, and what she can manage.

Manage.

Zoey just wrote about ‘managing’ depression. For me that is very similar. I manage. I get by. I tread water. Trying to stay afloat for that day when I can do more than that.

The day when it goes from struggling to tread water and keep my head up, to being able to float there, and perhaps even enjoy the swim. One day.

At the moment, I’m feeling myself stretch my energies too thinly. Leaving less energy to keep me treading water, and giving me more lapses. I have moments of forgetfulness, of slower processing, of not seeing a point to getting out of bed. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to function as well as I should. I get angry for putting myself in this position. For not respecting my own limits. For having those limits, but not thinking about them until I falter.

Bronwyn writes that accepting her own limitations has become easier with time. I still have all these shoulds in my mind. Like that I should be working full-time, and managing outside obligations, and have a social life and be happy and healthy. That I should be the Fiona that I think you all expect me to be.

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In Black and White

March 11, 2013

What's in my bag?

So, my psych has started me on a DBT Diary Card (click to view) to get me tracking how I treat myself, how I feel about it, and any strategies I put in place to stop myself carrying out any urges (such as self harm, drinking etc). Interesting to sit there, only on day one, and rate from 0-5 “How strong was the urge to use, suicide, self-harm”, rating emotions such as shame and fear, and matter of fact things such as alcohol and prescription drug misuse. There’s even a place to rate how much you felt like dropping out of therapy!

I’m not yet up to knowing what the strategies to use are (aside from a little self soothing and distraction!) and won’t learn them all until I get off the waitlist for the more intense program in a few months, but I like having direction. Something concrete, so I can’t fluff about so much. Seasoned at the “oh yeah things are fine at the moment” because, honestly, when I’m in a good mood I can’t even IMAGINE what it’s like to have those negative feelings and do those things to myself.

See how we go.

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Sources of Energy

March 7, 2013

856780_541386892548139_1766728018_o

Still working off the energy from last night’s Garbage gig. And from my afternoon therapy sessions. Struggling with some things, more practical questions of “what’s the best decision to make re x” but we’ll get there.

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You know like lap band?

*blinks*

OMG some GPs are tactful.

It was only AFTER that today that she then goes on to “so the quetiapine can cause an increase in appetite. Do you want to see a dietitian? But you know surgery can help reduce your appetite come back and I can give you a referral”

and

“so why are you on that again? because you shouldn’t be getting in under PBS unless you have Bipolar or Schitzophrenia. They audit you know”

Hmmm.

So after THAT I get my repeat contraceptive pill script (you know, after she can’t get a good blood pressure reading because I’m crying after she so tactfully suggests surgery and pops me on the scales. Yah, I know I’m overweight. And I know a lot is recent. So one step at a time. A dietitian would be a good idea, but geez. Bedside manner??)

At least I was bulk billed?

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3am

February 22, 2013 · 8 comments

The ambulance comes.

But the police arrive first.

She panics. WTF are the police doing here?

What’s happened? They asked.

Nothing. Nothing. I just want to go to the hospital.

You’ll go with them

Yes. Please, just let me go in the ambulance.
Please.

Confusion.

Panic.

Then relief.

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Mentally Ill

February 14, 2013 · 2 comments

(republishing this, because even though it was written in a bought of paranoia, I want to keep this record)

wamberal

Sometimes.

Sometimes it fells like you spit it out.

“Mentally Ill”

Like you have this level of disrespect.

Yeah I know you do,

I just wish you’d maybe show us some respect?

Not just me.

Lovers

dreamers

me

wamberal

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Identity

February 11, 2013 · 2 comments

Label label. Label Maker.

Who am I?

Where do I fit in?

Can I be the cute one. A rock chick. A naughty librarian.

Queer or quirky. Whit or whimsy.

They say part of BPD is the shaky sense of identity.

Not knowing who you are.

Or easily absorbing those of others.

Trying to sort out which values are real.

Which are mine. and which are merely borrowed for the time being.

Nurture. Independence. Are they conflicting? Because I come back to both.

Wanting to look after others but not wanting to need it myself.

That’s probably just fear.

Find the balance. Between accepting help when needed.

Accepting love, versus losing independence.

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Decreased Attachment

February 4, 2013

I’m pretty sure that one of my ways of coping with change or let downs, is to not get too attached or invested in something in the first place. It doesn’t always work that way, of course, but a level of indifference can help block some short-term pain, even if you lose out on things because of it in the long run…

Or, I’ll invest in the moment. In some ways I might be actually mindful of the moment, and live more in the present than the past or future than would naturally cause the levels of anxieties I have. BUT. But, it goes with the love me or hate me, love you or hate you, be totally excited in the moment but then even forget it happened. Knowing OF something rather than truly remembering it if it was highly awesome. Or, if it was totally distressing.

I “know” that I’m happy a lot of the time. I “know” I’ll get back to that state at some point. But that knowledge doesn’t always help when I’m trapped in a hell hole of a mood that I feel is infinite at that moment.

So human.

Factors leading to Borderline Personality Disorder BPD

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