head stuff

I hate yelling

September 17, 2014 · 1 comment

Custom Monster High
by Szabó Varga Katalin

I hate yelling, being yelled at, and most of all, hate seeing children told off, angrily, for just being kids. It scares me, it makes me want to, or to actually run away, escape someplace “safe”. Outta there.

“Getting in trouble” is that feeling. Where I’ve done something wrong, and am getting in trouble for it.

Maybe I phrased something the wrong way.

Maybe I forgot to do something I promised.

Maybe I looked at someone the wrong way in the presence of a lover.

I’ve done something to slight someone and they’ve picked up on it

and all I wanna do is hide.

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Tied in a knot

September 16, 2014 · 1 comment


Had myself in other knots today…

Trying to see my way out of them

Talk my way out. Puzzle my way through.

Like, how to dig my way out of my unsocial hole.

The one I dug myself into through being unsocial.

The one that saw me not knowing that one of my highschool friends wasn’t just getting married on x weekend,

but that it was the Friday.

And the casual “I’ll see you all tomorrow at the wedding” by one girl stabbed into my guts.

Then seeing the photos online.

Or hearing the thanks-es.

I know I did that to myself.

By withdrawing. Not showing to trivia nights, or other events.

Not knowing.


So this weekend. A couple of birthday dinners.

And I was almost in a mess about them

When I’ve RSVP’d and all. But didn’t realised health insurance came out last night.

Checking my account ballance in a panic. Misread it. But then realise it’s ok.

I can still go on Saturday night, still go to dinner. With those people I miss.

Who might miss me.


The other knot.

The one I can’t talk about.

Not here, but it’s still there.

It’s still there.


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Lifeline offers a number of training opportunities including:

Below is my last few sexay liptember poses. Hot enough to Donate for? ;)







Happy #Liptember!

August 31, 2014 · 0 comments


Welcome to the month of something-bember! This Semptember, I’m taking part in Liptember to help raise funds for Lifeline and The Centre for Women’s Mental Health.


My family and I have quite the history of mental illness and suicide attempts and hospital stays through the generations… It’s not easy to talk about or seek help for, so I think the more service variations (such as emergency help lines, specialist counselling by diagnosis or well funded government services such as hospitals and generous Medicare funding of rebates and medications) the better.


So, you will be seeing me on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook puckering up with my gorgeous PURPLE lippy trying to get you to donate ;)

I’m open to lippy dares (where would you like to see my lip-print? On an orange? On your cat? I’ll do a lot for $5!) and taking photos for shoutouts and the like :)


Happy Liptember!

Liptember Lippiues

(Wanna buy your own Liptember Lippy? Hit up Chemist Warehouse in person or online. There are the brights [red, yellow, green, blue, purple] for $4.95, a selection of pinks (also $4.95), and a few more premium lippies like the Liptember Berry I got last year for $9.95 that are great for daily wear [it's my current fave!!])



Insert post here

April 14, 2014


So things are going good, in that my moods are good.

The lack of employment is both good and bad though.

Good for my sanity, bad for my self esteem

Trying to keep filling the days with meaningfulness.

Helping with family mostly

Probably should get a volunteer role.

And Newstart.

But yeah.

I’m okay

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Which is why, even though I’m dealing with my owns shit, I can deal with hearing yours, empathizing or sympathising. Giving hugs or virtual ones, giving love and comfort and advice.

Right now I’m letting too much impact on me of my own shit

So I’d rather hear about yours

And help you out

Be useful

Cos if I can’t help myself, I wanna help you.

And feel potent.

(That’s the opposite of impotent, right?)


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Knowing your limits

June 16, 2013 · 4 comments

Most of us are terrible at saying no. Squeezing more and more into our days, trying to, apparently, get the most / give the most out of them.

What do I expect of myself?

Do I have expectations that aren’t guided by someone else’s (actual or imagined) expectations of what Fiona does, who she is, and what she can manage.


Zoey just wrote about ‘managing’ depression. For me that is very similar. I manage. I get by. I tread water. Trying to stay afloat for that day when I can do more than that.

The day when it goes from struggling to tread water and keep my head up, to being able to float there, and perhaps even enjoy the swim. One day.

At the moment, I’m feeling myself stretch my energies too thinly. Leaving less energy to keep me treading water, and giving me more lapses. I have moments of forgetfulness, of slower processing, of not seeing a point to getting out of bed. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to function as well as I should. I get angry for putting myself in this position. For not respecting my own limits. For having those limits, but not thinking about them until I falter.

Bronwyn writes that accepting her own limitations has become easier with time. I still have all these shoulds in my mind. Like that I should be working full-time, and managing outside obligations, and have a social life and be happy and healthy. That I should be the Fiona that I think you all expect me to be.

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In Black and White

March 11, 2013

What's in my bag?

So, my psych has started me on a DBT Diary Card (click to view) to get me tracking how I treat myself, how I feel about it, and any strategies I put in place to stop myself carrying out any urges (such as self harm, drinking etc). Interesting to sit there, only on day one, and rate from 0-5 “How strong was the urge to use, suicide, self-harm”, rating emotions such as shame and fear, and matter of fact things such as alcohol and prescription drug misuse. There’s even a place to rate how much you felt like dropping out of therapy!

I’m not yet up to knowing what the strategies to use are (aside from a little self soothing and distraction!) and won’t learn them all until I get off the waitlist for the more intense program in a few months, but I like having direction. Something concrete, so I can’t fluff about so much. Seasoned at the “oh yeah things are fine at the moment” because, honestly, when I’m in a good mood I can’t even IMAGINE what it’s like to have those negative feelings and do those things to myself.

See how we go.

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Sources of Energy

March 7, 2013


Still working off the energy from last night’s Garbage gig. And from my afternoon therapy sessions. Struggling with some things, more practical questions of “what’s the best decision to make re x” but we’ll get there.

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You know like lap band?


OMG some GPs are tactful.

It was only AFTER that today that she then goes on to “so the quetiapine can cause an increase in appetite. Do you want to see a dietitian? But you know surgery can help reduce your appetite come back and I can give you a referral”


“so why are you on that again? because you shouldn’t be getting in under PBS unless you have Bipolar or Schitzophrenia. They audit you know”


So after THAT I get my repeat contraceptive pill script (you know, after she can’t get a good blood pressure reading because I’m crying after she so tactfully suggests surgery and pops me on the scales. Yah, I know I’m overweight. And I know a lot is recent. So one step at a time. A dietitian would be a good idea, but geez. Bedside manner??)

At least I was bulk billed?

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