Yesterday’s session was intense.
(No wonder I needed 14hours sleep)
Sitting with my emotions for close to an hour.
The occasional distraction, but mostly there with them.
The sick feelings that come at times of fear.
Body tensed up, shallow breathing. Tight. Crushed.
Talking through the thoughts that go with those feelings.
And my frustration with myself of not being able to call on good feelings.
Being able to list good things that have happened, but wondering why I can’t recall those feelings.
Did I not pay enough attention to them when they first happened?
Like an ADD kid testing poorly on memory, because he didn’t pay attention in the first place, so he has no way of recalling that string of numbers.
Not putting enough weight on the good feelings
Either when they happen or later when trying to use them as evidence against my own negativity.
A long hour with no escape but a few distractions.
And, while this may sound glib, I didn’t die, and I was surprised.
Part of learning to accept emotions. To be able to accept that emotions and feelings are just that and okay, that just because I have all of those anxiety feelings like not being able to breathe, or feeling like I’m going to throw up on your shoes, I’m probably not going to die from it, and I don’t have to resort to my more extreme distraction techniques.
The ones that I’m embarrassed by.
Too much thinking.