So I can see myself as the girl who apparently has it together according to family and friends, but really doesn’t have a clue what to do next.
Putting on the costume each day, to head to work, or school, or out with a group.
To play the role I’m meant to play. The friend, the sister, the daughter, the girlfriend, the lover.
The speech therapist.
The dorky catgirl.
What do you want me to be?
Tell me.
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I’m pretty sure that one of my ways of coping with change or let downs, is to not get too attached or invested in something in the first place. It doesn’t always work that way, of course, but a level of indifference can help block some short-term pain, even if you lose out on things because of it in the long run…
Or, I’ll invest in the moment. In some ways I might be actually mindful of the moment, and live more in the present than the past or future than would naturally cause the levels of anxieties I have. BUT. But, it goes with the love me or hate me, love you or hate you, be totally excited in the moment but then even forget it happened. Knowing OF something rather than truly remembering it if it was highly awesome. Or, if it was totally distressing.
I “know” that I’m happy a lot of the time. I “know” I’ll get back to that state at some point. But that knowledge doesn’t always help when I’m trapped in a hell hole of a mood that I feel is infinite at that moment.
So human.
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i could make a dress
a robe fit for a prince
i could clothe a continent
but i can’t sew a stitchi can paint my face
and stand very very still
its not very practical
but it still pays the billsi can’t change my name
but i could be your type
i can dance and win at games
like backgammon and lifei used to be the smart one
sharp as a tack
funny how that skipping years ahead
has held me backi used to be the bright one
top in my class
funny what they give you when you
just learn how to aski can write a song
but i cant sing in key
i can play piano
but i never learned to readi can’t trap a mouse
but i can pet a cat
no i’m really serious!
i’m really very good at thati can’t fix a car
but i can fix a flat
i could fix alot of things
but i’d rather not get into thati used to be the bright one
smart as a whip
funny how you slip so far when
teachers dont keep track of iti used to be the tight one
the perfect fit
funny how those compliments can
make you feel so full of iti can shuffle cut and deal
but i can’t draw a hand
i can’t draw a lot of things
i hope you understand
i’m not exceptionally shy
but i’ve never had a man
that i could look straight in the eye
and tell my secret plansi can take a vow
and i can wear a ring
and i can make you promises but
they won’t mean a thingcan’t you do it for me, i’ll pay you well
fuck i’ll pay you anything if you could end thiscan’t you just fix it for me, it’s gone berserk…
fuck i’ll give you anything if
you can make the damn thing workcan’t you just fix it for me, ill pay you well,
fuck ill pay you anything
if you can end this
hello, i love you will you tell me your name?
hello, i’m good for nothing – will you love me just the same?
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