Which is why, even though I’m dealing with my owns shit, I can deal with hearing yours, empathizing or sympathising. Giving hugs or virtual ones, giving love and comfort and advice.
Right now I’m letting too much impact on me of my own shit
So I’d rather hear about yours
And help you out
Cos if I can’t help myself, I wanna help you.
And feel potent.
(That’s the opposite of impotent, right?)
Most of us are terrible at saying no. Squeezing more and more into our days, trying to, apparently, get the most / give the most out of them.
What do I expect of myself?
Do I have expectations that aren’t guided by someone else’s (actual or imagined) expectations of what Fiona does, who she is, and what she can manage.
Zoey just wrote about ‘managing’ depression. For me that is very similar. I manage. I get by. I tread water. Trying to stay afloat for that day when I can do more than that.
The day when it goes from struggling to tread water and keep my head up, to being able to float there, and perhaps even enjoy the swim. One day.
At the moment, I’m feeling myself stretch my energies too thinly. Leaving less energy to keep me treading water, and giving me more lapses. I have moments of forgetfulness, of slower processing, of not seeing a point to getting out of bed. I get frustrated with myself for not being able to function as well as I should. I get angry for putting myself in this position. For not respecting my own limits. For having those limits, but not thinking about them until I falter.
Bronwyn writes that accepting her own limitations has become easier with time. I still have all these shoulds in my mind. Like that I should be working full-time, and managing outside obligations, and have a social life and be happy and healthy. That I should be the Fiona that I think you all expect me to be.
I left Canberra two years ago now.
A lot has happened in that time.
Which is being highlighted to me by the messages exchanged with ex colleagues.
Asking how Rish is.
So much to catch up on
Directed at myself in anger.
Why can’t you just … Speak you mind?
Why can’t you just … Hold it together?
Why can’t you just … See things for what they are?
Why can’t you just … Stop overreacting?
Why can’t you just … Take care of yourself?
Why can’t you just … Be happy for your achievements?
Why can’t you just … Snap out of it?
Why can’t you just … Know what you’re meant to do?
How you’re meant to be.
Who you’re meant to be.
How to work in this world.
Such anger in how I say it to myself. Out aloud but to myself in my session.
Speaking of how I just want to give myself a good shake.
And wake up to myself.
Wishing I could go back in time and give my six and sixteen year old selves the same shake.
Before it becomes too entrenched.
In theory I know what to do,
But why can’t I just do it?
Today I’m guest posting (rather rawly) over at Nightwolf’s Den about how my head and heart fight against me.
Hope you like xx
Radiohead – Creep
Nine Inch Nails – Closer
Veruca Salt – Seether
Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds – Into My Arms
Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun
Hole – Celebrity Skin
Beck – Loser
Ben Folds Five – Underground
Everclear – Santa Monica
Powderfinger – These Days
Silverchair – Emotion Sickness
Tool – Stinkfist
Butthole Surfers – Pepper
Regurgitator – I Sucked a Lot of Cock to Get Where I Am
No Doubt – Just a Girl
Garbage – Only Happy When It Rains
Tori Amos – Cornflake Girl
The Dresden Dolls – Girl Anachronism
Blur – Song 2
The Living End – Prisoner of Society
Done. One song that was released this century (and the one that’s a certainty to miss the list :p)
:p Not bad!
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